


A Certain Weight

by bobtheacorn



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: 19: misty, 32: thicker than blood, 33: devastation, 34: always, Burial:, Gaiden, Gen, Preseries, burial: sanzo's part, chin yisou arc, even a worm, the desert arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-04-20 20:18:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4800923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobtheacorn/pseuds/bobtheacorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some feelings have a certain weight, y'know?</p><p>/Saiyuki rambles</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a numb buzzing in his head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saiyuki -- 32: thicker than blood, 33: devastation, 34: always

Some feelings have a certain weight, y'know?

And this one's sittin' heavy in his chest.

Goku curls his hands around the edge of the chair, squeezes his knees around his arms and scuffs his feet against the floor. He's never been good at sittin' still. It's better than pacin' in and outta the room, though, and worryin' everybody even more. Sanzo's been sleepin' for two days, now. He's breathin' normal and his body's warm, but he's hardly moved at all. Hakkai says he just needs time to recover from the scorpion youkai's poison and,  _"He may be out for quite a while."_

Goku gets that.

As much as he doesn't like it, he gets that.

He's been tired himself since he woke up yesterday; weird, sluggish and hungry, and real foggy about what happened in the desert. Gojyo's bandages got changed this morning, wrappin' his broken ribs. Hakkai's a lot more careful when he moves and he's quieter than normal. (Goku hasn't even had the guts to ask about Kougaiji yet.) Lifting a hand into his hair, he touches the gold diadem circling his head, feels that cold, familiar rasp against his fingertips. He doesn't usually notice stuff like that... Hakkai grabbing the back of a chair for support, even though he's smilin' like nothin's wrong; Gojyo wincin' as he drops too carelessly into a seat and trying not to show it.

When he thinks about it, now, there's a numb buzzing in his head.

_I did that..._

He stares at Sanzo, transfixed for a while by the short rise and fall of the priest's chest. He wonders if Sanzo can get hungry in his sleep... but that's probably just him. Turning his hand up to look at his palm, Goku drops his head.

There was blood underneath his fingernails when he woke up.

He doesn't know whose.


	2. water standing on the stone paths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saiyuki - preseries

Sanzo's gone. Again.

It seems like that's when the rain starts.

The whole sky is gloomy from the moment Goku wakes up, dark and building over the distant mountains. At first, he forgets that Sanzo isn't here - that he left last night at a summons from the Three Aspects, and he's going to be gone for a few days. Goku pads out onto the porch looking for him, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and mumbling Sanzo's name. The pressure in the air woke him up... or something. It's misty and half dark, with the sun barely up under all the clouds. Too early to be awake, for sure, but Goku doesn't really mind.

He likes dozing on the porch in the mornings, while Sanzo smokes and reads the paper.

Now that he can't, he misses it; the sharp smell of tobacco, the crinklin' pages and Sanzo's long sighs as the smoke comes out.

The sound of rain reaches his ears, pattering through the trees and softly against the ground, a long time before Goku can actually see it. It starts off slow, a haze of grey that grows out of the gloom, and then all of a sudden the bottom falls out. In a matter of minutes the courtyard is flooded - nothing but mud and water standing on the stone paths as far as the eye can see. Cool air pushes up, wafting across the porch. Goku yawns behind his hand, his stomach rumbling like it can hear the on-coming storm and wants to answer.

Otherwise, the temple's quiet.

Goku turns back inside, kicks at the covers he dragged across the floor, and decides to raid the pantry for breakfast, instead. If he goes to bed again, now (and if it keeps rainin' like this), he'll sleep until Sanzo comes home and that's boring. He needs a wake-up excersise, and dodging the priests is always fun (they carry incenses that burn his nose, chanting together in low voices, and they're still real nervous around him when Sanzo's not around). The front of his shirt is spilling full of peaches (maybe an orange or two) when he gets back to his room. He sits in the open door and eats his fill, watching the rain and inhaling the fresh, clear air and fruit.

Once he's done he stands, brushing off his shirt. Laughing, Goku leaps from the porch - revels in the burst of cold against his legs, across his face, clinging to his hair. His voice seems like the only one for miles and miles. He splashes around to his heart's content, heedless of the chill in the air, mucking up the clear pools and plopping stones into puddles just to watch the ripples go out. He stands ankle-deep in the mud, turning his face up to the sky, and lets the rain soak through his clothes.

The earth seems to come alive under all the water, and the smell and feel of it gives him a sense of peace somehow.


	3. smudged and faded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saiyuki - 19: misty

"Goku, are you certain you don't want me to heal your leg for you?"

"Nah, don' worry about it. Usin' you chi like that wears ya out, right? So it should jus' be for emergencies."

Despite this valiant act of selflessness, Goku winces when he gingerly lifts his broken leg onto the pillow, holding the back of his knee in both hands. He blows out a sigh once he relaxes, propping back on his hands. He wiggles his foot around, trying to find a comfortable position and looking pretty miserable about the whole ordeal. The lengthy car ride has certainly taken it's toll. Goku's leg was so swollen by the time they reached the next town (after driving two days straight, and through the night, just to put some distance in between themselves and the creeping memory of Chin Yisou) that they had to cut his jeans at the knee just to get them off of him.

The wooden splint and bandages are freshly wrapped, so Gojyo hasn't yet had the opportunity to draw something vulgar on it.

Now that Goku has been off his leg for a while, confined to the bed while the others unpacked Jeep and restocked their supplies, the swelling has come down. Hakkai knows getting him to remain still while the leg heals is going to be the difficult part.

"Maybe this will cement a lesson into that pea-sized brain of yours," Sanzo says ruefully, putting the last Marlboro from a rumpled pack in his mouth, "To think before rushing into things."

"Or to atleast look before you leap, monkey," Gojyo puts in with a teasing grin, trying to cheer Goku up by getting him riled.

It doesn't seem to work. Goku groans, laying back on the bed.

"C'mon, gimme a break." He throws his arm over his eyes. "That guy chased me like an animal..."

He doesn't say  _I was scared._  He doesn't have to. Hakaryuu leans over Goku's face, crooning softly. Hakkai pauses, sorting through the recent purchases that are spread out on the table. Goku hasn't been sleeping well - none of them have the past few days, to be perfectly honest - but perhaps it isn't just the leg that's been bothering him.

Before Hakkai can speak, Sanzo (ever-observant) moves.

The priest lifts a newspaper off the edge of the table as he passes, sits casually at the foot of Goku's bed. He leans his back against the wall beside the open window and unfolds the newspaper without saying anything, sighing out a trail of smoke around his cigarette. Imperceptably, Goku relaxes. His breath goes out slowly, pulls back in and fills his lungs. He stretches his body out to it's full length across the bed. The small movement makes his leg jerk, a twinge of pain that pulls at his lip, a hiss between his teeth. He drags his leg across the pillow, the sole of his foot finally resting again Sanzo's hip. The priest doesn't seem to notice, scanning columns of text.

Gojyo notices, grinning, chin resting in his hand. He can't resist.

"What?" he asks, breaking the silence with a gesture at the three vacant chairs around the table, "Too good to sit beside  _me_ , your Holiness?"

"Obviously," Sanzo says, without even looking up.

Hakkai is relieved that that's as far as the exchange goes. Sanzo doesn't let himself be antagonized into moving, and Goku may actually get some well-deserved rest. Smiling, Hakkai rumples an empty grocery bag in his hands. The permanent marker on his palm, drawing out his lifeline, is smudged and faded from the journey.

Any lingering darkness is quickly forgotten.

-x-

BONUS:

"How about Gojyo and I go get us something to eat? It'll be my treat."

Goku drops both hands against the mattress and turns his head toward Hakkai, with a desperate groan that's almost perverse, " _Please..._  'm starvin'! This leg is never gonna get better if I don' eat somethin' soon! I mean like  _right now!_ "

"My goodness, you should have said something sooner!"

"I tried! You guys were busy!"

"Too busy to listen to your incessant whining."

Gojyo mutters, " _Some_  of us were  _actually_  busy..." clearly indicating that Sanzo did not, infact, help unload the Jeep.


	4. attitude problem

_"This ain't fair! I can't share a room with Hakkai cuz you an' Sanzo don' get along!"_

Gojyo blows a curl of smoke out toward the prone ceiling fan.

_"If you two are going to insist on trying to kill one another, then please don't disturb us. We have quite a long drive ahead of us tomorrow, and Goku and I would like to get some rest."_

To think, Hakkai was all smiles when he pulled the door closed, leaving Gojyo and Sanzo alone in the smoke and disbelief.

He's as charming as a viper when he's pissed, and it's the two of them that have an "attitude problem". Right. That shit's still ringing in Gojyo's ears, two freakin' hours later. He shakes his head, rocking forward to snuff out his cigarette in the ashtray on the bedside table.  _That's how I got stuck bunking with this prick..._  he thinks in annoyance, glaring across the room at Sanzo, who's doing the exact same thing that he's doing: smoking, and staring out the window, and doing his damnedest to ignore the eyesore in the room.

The feeling's mutual, at least.

The air's so goddamn tense in here you could cut it with a knife.

Sanzo finishes his last cigarette, as well, crushing the butt into his ashtray, "Cut off the light and go the hell to sleep."

Gojyo props his chin in his hand, throwing as much smarm as he can into his tone, "Don't I at least get a kiss goodnight, Sanzo-sama?"

Ah, hell. That's probably what Hakkai was talking about.


	5. the sunlight glinting down

There is nothing but the wide, overgrow path ahead of them and more of the same behind. For once, the hum of the vehicle has lulled them all into silence. It's been like this for hours. The rush of tall grass and the occasional stray branch smacking the side of the Jeep, the trees passing in a blur. Goku drapes his arms across the seat, tipping his head back to watch the glowing, swaying canopy of yellow and green and the sunlight glinting down to meet them.

The wind is warm, pulling through his hair, and it's quiet.

Suddenly, a hollow BANG rifts the air.

Jeep lurches violently, tearing the wheel out of Hakkai's grip. The momentum tips Gojyo right over the side of the Jeep and throws Goku forward. He manages to catch himself against the back of Sanzo's seat instead of going over into the front on top of him. The head rest digs into his hipbone before Jeep shudders and thuds and throws them again, and the Ikkou drop heavily into the grass among their scattered, flying possessions. They're alarmed, a bit shaken up, but no worse for wear. Sanzo breaks Goku's fall, grumbling death threats like an old man, rubbing his back. Further behind them, Gojyo winces as he touches his bruised forehead, staggering upright.

"Son of a bitch. What the hell, Hakkai?!"

Hakkai is just as stunned as the rest of them.

"It wasn't me," the healer says fervently, getting to his feet, as well. He quickly realizes the Jeep is gone and casts about in alarm. His palms are scrapped from the fall and there are grass stains on his white jeans. "Where's Hakuryuu?"

Goku finds him, kicking aside a duffle bag, "Here, Hakkai!"

The tiny dragon is writhing in the grass, chirping and whining. He doesn't let Goku touch him - he bares his teeth - he even twists away from Hakkai's gentle hands when the man kneels over him. It's several minutes before allows himself to be handled, and that much longer for Hakkai to calm him down enough to figure out what the problem is. Hakuryuu's left leg is bleeding, his small body trembling. He lets out a low keen when Hakkai moves his wing to touch it.

Sanzo tries to wrap his head around this bizarre phenomena.

"You're saying we blew a tire."

"Bigger'n shit," Gojyo deadpans.

"We must have run over something," Hakkai says, brow knotted with concern. He cradles Hakuryuu against his chest, trying to soothe him while the others start looking for the first aid kit, stomping down the tall grass and picking up their stuff as they go. "I'm sorry, little one. If only I'd seen what it was..."

"Ah, man, does this mean we're walkin'?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Great."

Sanzo stoops to pick up the map and finds his cigarettes at the same time, "At least we shouldn't be too far from the next town."

Gojyo brings Hakkai the first aid kit, dropping his own bag at his feet. As Hakkai sits in the grass to tend to Hakaryuu's injury, Gojyo leans over his shoulder to get a look for himself; the wound doesn't look that bad, but they'll definitely be walking for the rest of the day. Poor little guy's whining and shaking the whole time Hakkai works. In the meantime, Goku has gone further back down the trail, totting several of their bags away with him, scanning the path back and forth like he's looking for something. Gojyo watches him without commenting, lighting up a cigarette. When the kid kneels in the grass, several yards away, Sanzo must see him disappear in his peripheral.

The priest lifts his gaze from the map in his hands, annoyed.

"Goku," he calls, "Don't wander off."

"But I found somethin'," Goku calls back, lifting his hand into the air and twisting back to look at them. At this distance, they can't even see what it is. "A nail. There's lots of 'em stuck in these boards and they're scattered all over the place."

He stands, kicking something that sounds distinctly wooden.

That puts them all on edge at once.

"You don't think this was a dumbass trap of some kind...?" Gojyo asks warily, eyeing their surroundings.

"If it were, I'd have already had to shoot something," Sanzo says.

He has his gun in hand, regardless.

"I don't think that's the case."

It's Hakkai's calm but cautious tone that makes the others follow his gaze.

Now that they're actually looking, they can see that this area of the path is a great deal wider than they originally thought, though it's almost too overgrown to distinguish it from the rest of the forest. Through a break in the trees, not too far off the path in every direction, there are the lonesome silhouettes of a village. Or what was unmistakably a village, a year or more ago. Nature has done a magnificent job of reclaiming it. There are few houses, as far as they can see, that are even still standing; doors gaping wide open, roofs concaved, windows broken, moss and weeds and narrow trees abound.

"Hn." Sanzo lights himself a cigarette.

Once Hakkai is finished bandaging Hakuryuu's leg, the small dragon nuzzles under his chin, crooning in thanks.

Gojyo cups his hand around his mouth, "Come on back, Goku. Let's get outta here."

Standing, Goku drops the nail, scuffs his foot in the grass where it disappears.

"Should we pick this stuff up?"

"Nah, just leave it."


	6. breathing out his ire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saiyuki - preseries

Hakkai is not in the mood for this today.

The weather has been dreary lately, cold and wet, so the ground bogs under all the moisture and the air smells like dirt. His scar is aching more than usual. It doesn't  _hurt_ , per say, but it throbs when he moves wrong (or breathes wrong), a sharp tug that's bone-deep. Because of it, every little thing has been getting on his nerves. And now that he's standing in the courtyard at Keiun Temple, he regrets that he didn't give Sanzo a call and cancel his lesson plans with Goku, because something has clearly possessed this child.

_"He's been in that tree all goddamn day," Sanzo said, breathing out his ire along with the smoke from his cigarette, "I stopped trying."_

Hakkai grasps at his patience.

"Would you please come down?"

It's already been twenty minutes. Standing at the foot of the tree, Hakkai has finally found a spot where he can peer up through the cluster of damp leafs and just barely catch a glimpse of Son Goku. The boy's found a sturdy branch quite a few feet up and is curled against the trunk. As far as Hakkai can tell, he's sulking.

"I don't wanna do all that countin' stuff today." Goku crosses his arms, turns his head aside so Hakkai can no longer see his face. "'m bad at it!"

It isn't like him to get so discouraged.

"Well, you certainly won't improve if you stay up there. Unless you plan on counting the leaves."

"I don' wanna count  _anything!"_  Goku rolls off the branch, dropping down to a lower one. He hangs onto it with his hands and his feet (the very picture of a monkey, though Hakkai refrains from saying as much). The tree limb sways under the burden of his sudden weight, raining leaves and droplets of water down on his teacher. Goku is smiling, now, small but hopeful. "C'mon, Hakkai, let's just not do a stupid lesson today! Climb trees with me, instead! It's super fun, I promise. We can count and do all that boring stuff next time ya visit!"

Of course, he would ask on the one day that Hakkai would honestly rather crawl into a hole, where he could rot from the inside out in peace.

"I'm sorry, Goku. I'm not really up for climbing trees at the moment," Hakkai admits. He beckons with a small smile of his own, trying to look as apologetic as he feels. "Now, please, come down here. If you like, we can do something else - "

Goku must be terribly bored with only Sanzo and a bunch of stifling priests for company. He's young and energetic, and after being on his own for  _so long_  he only wants to play with the few friends that he has - Hakkai's refusal is evidently the last straw for him.

"You guys suck! I bet Gojyo would climb with me!"

"I'm afraid it's just me today."

"Well, 'm not comin' down! You're gonna have to come an' get me!"

"If I climb up there after you," Hakkai says, smiling calmly, "You're going to wish that I hadn't."

That quails the temper tantrum instantly. Goku blanches ( _"Okay, okay...!"_ ) and slowly makes his descent, grasping tentatively at the branches so he doesn't lose his grip on the slick bark. Hakkai breathes out a sigh, raising both hands to rub his forehead. He hates taking the fact that he doesn't feel well out on someone else - especially Goku.  _I should have just stayed home and made Gojyo a nervous wreck, instead,_  Hakkai thinks, lifting his head.

The amazing thing about Goku, however, is that he lacks the capacity to hold onto anything negative.

The boy hesitates with his hands wrapped around the lowest branch, swinging from it, but not dropping to the ground.

"Mmmh. Hakkai?"

"What is it?"

"I'll come down and do my lessons an' stuff... but only if ya catch me!"

"Catch you," Hakkai says warily.

He's not about to chase the spry creature across the temple grounds, either.

"Yeah, like - if I swing down from here, would ya catch me? I'll do it real easy." Goku's voice trails off a little and, sensing that there's more, Hakkai waits. Goku adjusts his grip, hands scraping against the bark. He does a chin-up, holds it for a second, and drops his weight again, bouncing the branch, feet swinging. Water speckles the ground at Hakkai's feet, leaves sticking in his hair. Goku mumbles, "Sanzo... wouldn't earlier."

"Ah." He can't say no again. Hakkai smiles, lifts his hands. "Alright. I suppose that's a fair compromise."

Goku has grown quite a bit over the past few months, but he's still incredibly small for his age. It's nothing for any of them to pick him up, though he doesn't like to let them because Gojyo makes a show of it, totting the boy around under his arm just to aggravate him and hear him howl. Grinning, Goku swings himself forward and lets go of the branch, dropping down. Hakkai catches him easily under the arms, slowing Goku's momentum instead of trying to stop it. Goku's feet swing near the ground and past Hakkai's legs as he curls them up, laughing. Hakkai just isn't thinking, beforehand, that  _everything hurts today_ , and there's a stab of pain in his gut that is quick to remind him.

He sets Goku firmly on his feet, huffing out a sharp breath.

"Hakkai! Ah, man, y'really aren't feelin' good, are ya?" When Hakkai doubles over - trying to breathe, trying to ease the shuddering ache in his stomach - Goku tips to the side so he can see Hakkai's face, his small hands clamping onto Hakkai's arms. "Y'said that...! An' I forgot! Are ya okay? You need me t'carry ya back inside?"

Hakkai laughs at that, weakly, "No, that's quite alright - "

"It's okay, I got ya!"

It's easy to forget that Goku is a lot stronger than he looks.

The boy loops both arms around Hakkai's thighs and hoists him over his shoulder. Hakkai can't even protest - his breath is snatched away by a fresh painful jolt through his middle, his head spinning from the movement. By the time Goku kicks open the door of Sanzo's office and deposits Hakkai on the vacant couch, nausea has set it. The priest has his elbow propped on the desk, cigarette held aloft, newspaper in hand. He looks like he doesn't want to ask, but does so anyway, just for the sake of it, "What the hell are you two doing...?"

"Hakkai needs snacks - and tea!" Goku says, logic no doubt being that food will fix it (but that Hakkai likes tea, also).

He goes out to the vending machine to get them. Sanzo and Hakkai don't even have to wait ten seconds before he comes shuffling back in with his head bowed, to ask Sanzo for money. Hakkai smiles vaguely as Sanzo swears and opens a drawer, looking for change. Goku hops from foot to foot, hands squeezed into fists, telling Sanzo to  _hurry!_

It may have been simpler to just climb the tree.


	7. easing away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saiyuki - preseries (reload - burial, sanzo's part)

For the first time in years, Sanzo is actually sleeping well at night.

No nightmares. No obnoxious voice calling out to him.

Tonight seems to be the exception to that - it storms. And Sanzo goes to bed aggravated, hoping at some point the howling wind and wild sheets of rain will let up. It's only out of habit that he keeps his gun close, still. He's been sleeping with it in his hand for so long, he thinks nothing of it. The wind wakes him up more than once, rattling the storm doors and the windows, skipping loose tiles across the temple roof. The rain is unwelcome white noise that makes his chest prickle with nerves.

The thunder is like a gun going off (the first time he pulls the trigger.  _A hand gripping his ankle.)._

Sanzo jerks out of sleep, his chest tight, skin crawling.

There  _is_  a hand squeezing his leg - a person leaning over him.

Sanzo reacts without thinking, twists onto his back and lifts the pistol in his hand, jamming it into his assailant. The noise of surprise is small and familiar. It's the only reason he hesitates and doesn't pull the trigger. He can't see anything at all until lightning splits the dark a second later.

Goku's eyes are white-gold, the barrel of the pistol digging into his collarbone.

The kid doesn't move. He doesn't even breathe.

-x-

Sanzo wouldn't shoot him.

Well - shoot  _at him_ , maybe, but not really  _shoot him._

So when the gun jabs him right below the neck, when he hears the safety  _click_  off, his skin gets all tingly and electric and Goku holds his breath, because Sanzo doesn't know that it's him. His hair stands up on his neck, his voice sticking in his throat. He thinks he makes a noise, but he doesn't move. After a just few seconds, the cold pressure disappears. Sanzo sits up quickly, swearing, and Goku scrambles to the edge of the bed so he isn't hanging over him.

He sits back on his knees, rubbing his collarbone. It hurts a little.

If Sanzo notices, he doesn't say anything. He's breathing hard, moving his legs, and he smells different - sweaty and scared. Goku doesn't like that. It's why he tried to wake Sanzo up instead of jut sneaking under the covers. Sanzo snaps at him, his voice like water over rocks, "What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Where you havin' a bad dream, Sanzo?"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

"Mmh. Sorry - I wanted t' sleep in here with you."

He's not afraid to ask, but maybe Sanzo's afraid to let him.

Sanzo hesitates, and Goku watches him carefully. He feels it, during the next big roll of thunder, when Sanzo jerks in surprise. Hears it when Sanzo swears under his breath. His eyes and ears are a lot better in the dark than Sanzo's are, he realizes, and Sanzo can't see him as well as he can see Sanzo. Maybe that helps a little. After he takes a big breath, Sanzo's face settles into his usual annoyance - eyebrows knotted, eyes closed - even though his voice is kinda thick and his body's still all tense when he moves, flipping back the covers.

"Do whatever you want..."

Gushing out a sigh, Goku clambers over the priest's legs and drops onto the firm mattress. He buries his face in the pillow because it's warm and it smells like Sanzo, kicks his feet against the bed. He turns his face to the side so he can watch Sanzo out of the corner of his eye. His robe has fallen open, twisted around in his sleep, and Goku can see his thighs in the dark when Sanzo throws his legs over the side of the bed and starts to get up.

Goku pushes himself up, panicked, "Where ya goin'? Sanzo?"

Sanzo doesn't answer, but it's just to the bathroom.

He smells more like normal when he comes back to the bed. His hair is still wet, rivulets of water going down his neck. A few clinging droplets fall on Goku's face when Sanzo reaches across him for a pillow, and Goku turns over onto his back and lifts the blanket up with both hands so Sanzo can get in, but Sanzo ignores him. He drops heavily onto the edge of the mattress, facing out toward the room. Goku kicks the blanket over him so he doesn't get cold, burrows back down in the blanket and pillow and waits. He kind of sneaks his way over, inch by inch, hoping Sanzo won't notice and yell at him, under he can curl up against Sanzo's back.

The dark and all that big noise - it's not so scary when he can hear Sanzo breathing.

-x-

"...What the hell are you doing back there?"

Sanzo tries to keep his voice neutral. He's annoyed - he doesn't know at what, exactly. At Goku, for bothering him, or at himself.

That anxiety is still sitting under his ribs, crackling with every rumble of thunder. Sanzo resists the urge to rub his chest and keeps his arms crossed. Slowing his breathing helps him calm down. Against his back, he feels Goku lift a hand to his face, rubbing his at eyes. The movement helps distract him. A little. But the kid has been fidgeting like it's his sole goddamn purpose in life. It takes Goku almost a full minute to manage his sluggish response, "M sleepin'..."

That doesn't exactly answer Sanzo's question.

He meant more along the lines of  _why are you smothered up against me when there's plenty of room here for the both of us_.

But he probably should have been a bit more specific.

"Whatever," Sanzo mutters, "I could have shot you in the face just now."

He doesn't know what possesses him to say it. He doesn't usually dwell on things like that anymore. His pistol is on the nightstand now - still within easy reach, but where it will no longer be a nuisance. Rain shudders against the window, much louder one moment and then easing away the next. Sanzo breathes to ease the flutter of nerves rising in his chest. Goku rubs his forehead in between Sanzo's shoulders. Half-asleep, he mumbles, "Ya didn't."

Sanzo snorts, closing his eyes.

Somehow, it's a bit easier to sleep after that.


	8. indented in the skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> preseries
> 
> (for the shitty kappa's birthday~)

"You say he bit a priest...?"

"Apparently."

"Well, they say the only way to break a child from biting is to bite them back."

Hakkai is smiling in that bewildering, condescending way.

Sanzo looks at him with the straightest face, "He wouldn't have the nerve to bite me. So I'm not too worried about it, to tell you the truth."

"Ah. That would explain why the behavior persists."

Those two are chit-chatting about it without really coming to any sort of resolution.  _Like a couple of old hens,_  Gojyo thinks, sticking his pinky in his ear and twisting it. He knows what the problem is, though he doesn't bother mentioning it. The kid's got too much pent up energy - like a pup that's not getting played with - and who can blame him, brought up in this kind of environment? Gojyo rocks forward off the couch and leaves the priest's office to find Goku for himself.

He'd thought it was pretty weird the runt didn't come barreling into them as soon as he and Hakkai hit the temple doors.

Now he knows why.

He rapts his knuckles against the door of Goku's room, pushes it open without waiting for clearance. Goku's sitting on his bed, elbows up in the window sil, staring outside with his face pressed against the glass. He turns his head, pouting and looking annoyed, when Gojyo shoulders his way into the room. The kappa throws up a lopsided grin as he leans against the doorframe, pulls the cigarette from between his lips, "Heard you got your ass crawled, shit for brains."

Goku makes a noise at him, like a cat trying to growl, and sticks his face back to the window.

Taken aback that he didn't start a fight with that opening comment, Gojyo pushes off the door frame. He sits on the edge of the bed with his back to Goku, blows out a trail of smoke and glances belatedly around for something to ash in. He drops the jovial tone a notch, "That why you're hiding out in here?"

"M' not hidin'."

The answer's pretty quick, mumbled into Goku's palm.

Craning forward, Gojyo lifts the frame of a lantern and ashes in the candle.

"Uh-huh."

The mattress groans as he sits back. He blows smoke rings into the silence, watches them disappear.

"What's on your mind, dumbass?"

"Nothin'."

"Nothing, huh. What the hell's the matter with you?"

" _Nothin'_."

Gojyo's not used to this. The kid's too quiet. He's not whining or wanting to stuff his face. Gojyo snuffs the rest of his cigarette out. Screw that. He reaches back as he stands and grabs Goku by the collar of his shirt, dragging his off the bed. Goku yelps and stumbles. Once he's on his feet, Gojyo throws an arm around Goku's neck, head-locking the runt against his chest so he can't escape and dragging him to the door.

"C'mon, shorty," the kappa says, grinning when Goku paws at his arm trying to free himself, "I'll show you some moves."

"Ack! What moves? Gojyo, leggo!"

"Zip it! We're wrestling, end of story!"

"Wrestling?!"

Mostly, Gojyo just wants an opportunity to aggravate him. Goku's so happy and easy to please most of the time, it's weird as hell when he gets into these somber moods - and it's hilarious to piss him off. Each new vulgar, colorful phrase that Goku picks up to cuss him with just makes life that much sweeter, as far as Gojyo's concerned. It's what he lives for. The wrestling things works out pretty well, all things considered. After laying out the rules (mostly, no blows below the belt), Goku's so busy trying to beat him that he forgets his was sulking.

They're at it for about twenty minutes, though, before things go south.

Goku's surprisingly hard to get ahold of - he's small, and fast - but when Gojyo finally gets him, he doesn't let up. Of course, he should have known better. The first thing Goku does in retaliation is twist in his grip and bite his arm - like a goddamn dog.

Gojyo yelps and drops him.

"GOKU - what the fuck!"

The kid scrambles out from under him, panting, "Ya pinned me down, ya big jerk!"

"That's what the fuck wrestling  _is_ , dipshit!"

The inside of his bicep is still throbbing. Teeth-marks indented in the skin. Hell no. Gojyo reaches out and snags Goku by the wrist. He yanks the kid forward, shoving up his sleeve, and Goku panics, gasping, digging his feet into the ground.

"Hey - quit it!" His voice breaks in panic. "Gojyo - "

Gojyo sinks his teeth into Goku's forearm, holding him fast at the elbow and wrist so he can't get away. He doesn't break the skin, but he digs in  _hard_. Goku howls and thrashes. He stomps his feet, swings his free arm up - and punches Gojyo square in the nose.

Serves him right, probably.

-x-

The commotion carries in through the open window of Sanzo's office:

"SANZO...!  _SANZO, HE BIT ME!_  GOJYO BIT ME!"

"I'M THE ONE THAT'S BLEEDING OVER HERE, YOU WHINE ASS! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY GODDAMN FACE!"

Sanzo puts his head in his palm, as if he's asking for strength (or, more likely, patience), "Animals..."

Hakkai sighs, laughing softly, and goes to break them up.


	9. the satisfaction of sound

_ How many times...! _

Goku thrashes against the bars.

He throws his weight against them, shakes them in his fists until his arms ache.  They're sealed so securely into the concrete floor, welded together so seamlessly at the corners and joints, that it doesn't even give him the satisfaction of sound.  No harsh clamour that goes ringing out across the empty warehouse.  No groan of metal giving under his strength.  He wants it to  _ break _ , damnit!  Goku's growl of frustration turns into a yell as it leaves his throat.

This cage is barely big enough for him to turn around in, and it's pissing him off.

"Would you give it a rest already!?"  Gojyo's demand cuts through Goku's animalistic tangent, "For fuck's sake…"

Panting hard, Goku twists to look at him.  Gojyo's in a cage just like his, only he's sitting, lounging against the bars with his hands in his pockets, smoking like nothing's wrong at all.  The guys that caught them had sense enough to separate them - a total shocker.

Goku grips the bars again.  His palms are raw.

"How can ya sit there an' be so calm!"

Gojyo turns his cigarette in front of his face, watching the smoke, "Acting like an ape isn't going to do anything other than fucking exhaust you, dumbass."

"We can't do  _ nothin'! _  We gotta get outta here - lookit Hakkai!"

"I  _ see _ Hakkai."

His tone changes sharply, even if his posture doesn't.

It steadies Goku's nerves a little.  He isn't the only one that's worried.  He blows out a breath, pressing his forehead against the bars and glancing sideways at the third cage.  There's just one lamp lit in the whole warehouse, sitting on a crate nearby.  The walls are concrete and the windows are all boarded up, so the light's bad and throws long shadows across the floor.  Hakkai's body, lying in the bottom of the cage, is mostly hidden - if Gojyo hadn't told Goku he was there earlier, Goku wouldn't have even noticed him.

He took a nasty blow to the head, and he hasn't moved.

"...And what about Sanzo?"

"That prick?  He's fine."

"But he's  _ not here!" _  Goku jerks the bars again, with a lot less gumption than before.  He ducks his head when Gojyo looks at him.  "He's not here, an' that's what's makin' me so  _ mad! _  How many times is this gonna happen...?"

_ How many times 'm I gonna end up in a cage... with Sanzo on th' other side? _

Maybe it's stupid.  That's like the scariest thing in the world...

His stomach chooses that moment to betray him; a hollow gurgle fills the silence.  He can't even  _ remember _ the last time he ate.  Goku groans, sagging to his knees and hanging off the bars.  Before he can voice the complaint, he hears Gojyo sigh and a fresh, strong whiff of tobacco stings his nose.

"You've been at it for hours."  Gojyo sounds tired, even though he's just been sitting there.  "Just give it a rest for a bit.  We'll figure something out."  There's a rustling sound.  Goku lifts his head, watches Gojyo rummaging around in the pockets of his coat, "Here."

Gojyo rocks to his feet, spine popping because he hasn't moved in a while.  He puts his cigarette between his lips and his arm out of the cage.  Goku sees the apple - they'd been in the market when they were ambushed - a second before Gojyo underhands it across the room.  With a cry of surprise, Goku lurches against the bars, throwing out his hand to catch it.  Good thing Gojyo's such a good tosser.  It claps soundly into Goku's palm.

Goku stares at it for a second, at his arm stretched out between the bars.  Frowning, he squeezes the apple, grips the bars with his free hand and presses himself flush against them.  His shoulder goes out, his chest almost does.  He puts his knee through, foot scuffing the concrete.  He stays like that a few seconds, thinking, then he abruptly pulls back.  Goku brings the apple to his mouth and bites right through the skin, holding it between his teeth.  He starts fumbling with the belt across his chest, heaves his shoulder-plates and cape off over his head and to the floor.

He pulls off anything that might get snagged.

Gojyo watches him strip, squinting across the room as he eases himself back down into his corner.

"What the hell are you doing now...?"

Goku takes a second to bite into the apple.  The juice filling his mouth makes him remember just how  _ hungry  _ he is.  He winds up scarfing the whole fruit before he answers, dragging the belt out of his jeans.

"'M gonna see if I can squeeze out."

-x-

When those three idiots don't come back from running an errand as mundane as grocery shopping, Sanzo knows something's amiss.  The townsfolk he talks to are suspiciously oblivious, and yet he finds signs of a struggle in the market place.  The authority figures he speaks with are condescending, encouraging him to go back to the inn and that his comrades will "turn up eventually".  Once he manages to get ahold of a weak link in the chain of command, however, it doesn't take more than throwing the safety off his pistol for the man to spill his guts.  Apparently it's a depraved new hobby of those that can afford it to collect youkai - berserk or not.  The black market's thriving on it.

Sanzo doesn't know whether to feel relieved that this wasn't some shit-brained attempt to separate him and his sutra from the others, or disturbed that it was just plain old human hubris all along.  But he learned pretty early on that humans are full of their own darkness, so, honestly, this doesn't surprise him at all.

He digs the gun into the man's temple, bored with this shit.

"So where are they?"

-x-

"You're stuck."

"Nng!  Am... am not!"

"You're stuck bigger than shit - admit it."

"Sh-shut up!  Yer not helpin'...!"

It's not funny, but Gojyo's laughing so hard he's ready to piss himself.  He's in fucking stitches, squeezing his ribs as he curls against the floor.  He can't even get his breath.  Across the room, Goku has managed to squeeze his head out between the bars of the cage.  Gojyo had been worried that the diadem would either stop him from being able to push through - or slide off.  He even said as much ( _ "If that fancy headband of yours comes off while you're screwing around over there and you chew your way through those goddamn bars, instead, I'm gonna be pissed, monkey." _ ).  Apparently he was worried for nothing, and this was so worth it.

_ "Goddamnit,"  _ Gojyo wheezes, lifting his head again.

It's just as fantastic as the last time he looked.

Goku's turning purple he's so mad, trying to get his head back inside now that it's obvious he's never going to get his chest through.  If he were a year younger he might have managed it, but puberty finally got the memo and hit him like a truck this summer, and he's started to thicken up in all the place he should have thickened up about five years ago.

Gojyo wheezes, "You fucking dumbass!!"

"I thought I could do it, alright!  Shut up!"

"Fuck ahaha..!"

"Goodness... what's gotten into the two of you...?"

Gojyo's up so fast his head spins, his hair stinging his face.  Goku stops struggling, amber eyes glowing in the dimness.  They both chorus,  _ "Hakkai!!"  _ as the man pushes himself up off the floor of his cage, one hand clamped against the back of his skull.  He still looks dazed as hell, moving slowly.  He takes one look at the situation - Goku, wedged like a potato, and Gojyo, flushed from laughing at the monkey's stupid ass, tears streaking down his face - and he sags against the floor like he's exhausted.

"I'm unconscious for a few hours and this is what happens..."

Gojyo and Goku both start yelling at once.

-x-

Sanzo stands in the warehouse, in front of Goku's cage, and he's so annoyed at this point that he feels completely numb to the sight before him.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I was tryin'a get out!" Goku says, like getting himself stuck like this was actually a decent plan.  Across the room, Gojyo laughs, and Goku's face turns red again.  He grips the bars, trying to twist out again and failing miserably.  _ "Shut the hell up, Gojyo, it's not funny!!!" _

"It's pretty damn funny, I swear to god!"

"You three are embarrassing," Sanzo says, still making no move to open any of the cages even though the keys for them are in his hands.  He crosses his arms, glaring.

"Excuse me," Hakkai says, "I had no part in this."

He actually sounds somewhat offended.  Probably the concussion.

"You were supposed to be watching them."

"I'm sure you know as well as I do that it's almost impossible to exhibit any amount of control over either of them.  I can hardly be blamed for this."

"Hey, why am I getting lumped in here with the monkey?" Gojyo asks, "I didn't stick my head through the bars of a cage - " He's still laughing. " - like a fucking dumbass."

"It was better than just sittin' here!  Now get me out!!  Please!  C'mon, I'm starvin'...!"

Breathing out a long line of smoke, Sanzo flicks his cigarette across the warehouse.  The ember bursts bright orange against the concrete as he lifts the key ring.

"Of all the shit I've seen today," he says, "This is by far the stupidest."


	10. while it lasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gaiden

When Kanzeon Bosatsu drops in for one of her unannounced visits, she doesn't bother knocking.  Her nephew will either ignore any request for entry or tell her to screw off, and banging the door against the wall is always a good way to start conversations with him.  He's more alive when he's annoyed, even though that hasn't been the case recently.  It's why she comes to visit in the first place.  Jiroshin calls her a "shameless snoop".  He's not wrong, Kanzeon thinks, just incredibly and unnecessarily rude about it - as if it's a  _ bad  _ thing.

It's not her fault that this is the sort of thing that she lives for.

So she throws open the door with abandon today,  _ excited _ , for once, to find Konzen sitting at his desk with one foot pulled up in his chair, looking bored out of his mind.

"How's my favorite nephew today?" she asks, delighted.

The door flies from her hand and checks against the wall with a harsh sound, bounces back.  Konzen lifts his striking violet eyes from the book in his lap - that in and of itself is  _ different _ .  He's been reading a lot lately, just for the hell of it.  That friend of his, Tenpou, has been giving him books and Konzen has been chewing through the covers like he's insatiable.

Some things, of course, never change.

Her nephew doesn't say anything to her, but he breathes out in that long-suffering, woe-is-me way that Bosatsu finds utterly charming.  Trying to coax him into speech since he seems incapable of it on his own, she presses, "Getting along alright?"

"I was," Konzen says flatly.  He drops his gaze again. "Keep it down."

The Goddess of Love and Mercy snorts in disapproval at being told what to do, but a smirk tugs are her lips nonetheless.  She puts her hands at her waist as she strides into the room, taking it all in.  This fresh chaos.  She loves it.  There are books and knick-knacks strewn across the floor, rumpled origami animals and paper airplanes, crayons and sticks and rocks that she slides out of her path with bare feet.  But the maker of this mess is nowhere in sight.  She doesn't even hear him playing in the adjacent room, doesn't hear his little feet hitting the floor to come see who the intruder is or the jangling of iron.

She turns to look at Konzen again, arching an eyebrow.  He's spinning slightly in the chair, rocking his foot against the floor.  The gentle, restless movement isn't like him at all.  Once Bosatsu draws level with the desk and is able to peer over it, she sees why.

A smile breaks across her face.

"What's this?"  She leans her hands against the desk to get a better look.  "I was wondering where the runt was."

Goku is draped across Konzen's lap, sound asleep.  His head is tipped back, resting in the crook of Konzen's elbow, his legs thrown over Konzen's and swinging slightly as the chair rocks.  For lack of a better option, Konzen has his resting book on top of the kid.

"He climbed up here on his own," Konzen says, trying to look put-upon and for once not succeeding in the slightest.

Coming around the desk, Bosatsu pulls herself up to sit on the corner and crosses one long leg over the other.  She needs a better place to observe from - this is something new.  She can't recall ever seeing this kid be still or quiet before, let alone cuddled up with her stick-in-the-mud nephew, who generally doesn't allow people within three feet of himself.  Goku's mouth is parted slightly, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks.  When he shifts in his sleep, turning over, Konzen lifts his book with his free hand and waits for the kid to settle.  He doesn't seem to care about the inconvenience, shifting his leg so Goku is cradled more securely in his lap - steadfastly ignoring his aunt's open stare.

Bosatsu resists the urge to reach out and ruffle the kid's hair.  The gesture will aggravate Konzen more than Goku, she's sure, and her nephew is in a surprisingly tender mood today.  She doesn't want to spoil that, so she decides not to say anything.

She does think, sitting back, that maybe _ pet _ isn't the right word for this anymore...


	11. shuddering against the earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (reload, even a worm: 37)

Ultimately, Sanzo refuses to be carried.  It's undignified, and he can walk just fine on his own, thanks.  That doesn't stop the priest from tripping over ground that's been churned by trees, and wayward blows, and Nothing - on legs that are ready to give out underneath him.  To be honest, all four of them are faring about the same.  Gojyo lights a cigarette, but it falls from his lips after only a couple of drags when he stumbles over an uprooted tree.  He swears, but doesn't have the energy to bend over after it.  Hakkai tries to orient them in the correct direction, a hand buried in his hair to ease the throbbing in his head, so that maybe they can get to a town before Sanzo - sorry, that's incredibly rude - before  _ one of them _ dies.

Goku walks most of the way with his eyes closed, letting his body move on it's own.

He can hear the others' footsteps, their sharp breaths and small noises.  He can feel the sudden warmth against his sides when one of them is closeby.  Without really meaning to, he smiles real wide.  No one sees it in the dark.  And it's the peaceful kind of dark, not the nerve-wracking stuff from before that was swallowing Sanzo whole.  A shudder jolts Goku's body at the memory - that big cloud of darkness, Sanzo's voice breaking, his hand reaching out.

The feeling goes up his spine, swimming thickly, and Goku shakes his head, his whole body, like he's throwing off water.

That doesn't matter anymore.

His sudden movement must startle Sanzo.  A second after Goku does it, the priest loses his footing.  Goku  _ feels  _ Sanzo's foot catch on the ground.  The sound of it in the air, the impact shuddering against the earth.  He lifts his head and opens his eyes, turning toward Sanzo as the priest stumbles into his side.  Sanzo's hand jumps out to steady himself so he doesn't sprawl out on his face, grabbing Goku by the elbow, and Goku tenses his arm to support the sudden extra weight, his feet sliding apart.

He waits a second, "Ya okay?"

"Fine," Sanzo grumbles.

His grip is like iron, but his hand's shaking.

The hike back to the Jeep is taking it's toll on all of them.  It's slow as hell.  They're all dragging their feet, ready to collapse.  But they're  _ alive _ and they're  _ together _ and, wow, Goku  _ missed this. _  That's all he's ever cared about.  So when Sanzo let's go of his arm and starts walking again, Goku doesn't even think about it.  He snakes his hand out in the dark and grabs onto Sanzo's.  Not like before.  Lose, just his fingers wound around Sanzo's, hanging onto him so he doesn't drift away again.

Sanzo hesitates, but Goku keeps walking and pulls him along.

Gojyo's walking with his hands buried in the pockets of his coat, like they're so heavy he'd leave them behind if he could.  Goku puts his other hand in the pocket of Gojyo's jacket and holds onto his hand, too.

The kappa makes a curious noise, turning his head.

Breathing out a sigh, Goku lets his eyes drift closed again, squeezes their hands so they don't let go.  Sanzo's hands are cold, his fingers twitching every now and then.  He's reluctant to hold onto anything, but he doesn't throw Goku off.  Maybe he just doesn't have the energy.  There are callouses on the inside of Gojyo's palm.  His hands are bigger, and he swings his arm a little, but doesn't pull his hand back.

Just a few seconds later, Goku hears Hakkai, his voice soft, "Oh?  Are we forming a chain so we don't get separated?" and Gojyo quips back without a moment's hesitation.

"More like a life-support line."

"I see.  I'm expected to keep Sanzo alive, even from all the way over here."

"You two are getting on my nerves..."

"Ah, I hear it working already!"

"Damn you're fast, Hakkai!"

Goku breaks into a grin again.  He's too exhausted to even laugh.  He's so  _ happy. _  He  _ missed _ this.  They're  _ here _ and they're  _ together  _ and they're arguing and kind of biting at each other with what little energy they have left, and it's the greatest thing he's heard in a long, long time.  Goku squeezes their hands again.  His body shakes, a warmth spreading through his chest.  He grins and ducks his head, breathless when Sanzo mutters, "What the hell's so funny, Goku?"

_ I really love you guys _ is what he wants to say.

But they already know that, so he shakes his head and mumbles, "Nothin'.


End file.
